On This Day In 2006

Here is my blog entry of October 9th, 2006.  It is always so awesome to look back at particular moments in my struggle with depression, which began in about 1993 and peaked in the years 2000-2003, after which I entered the gradual process of shedding/overcoming/releasing my depression.  This process gained momentum when I moved to NYC.  That move and my time in that wonderful city was a four-year chrysalis from which I emerged, strong and certain of my forward momentum.  I no longer identify with depression.  Sure, I have the occasional grey day, or pockets of mood, but those are just individual moments.  Now I identify with "yes" and positive expression.  It's pretty fucking awesome.  There have been loads of wonderful people who impacted my journey out of depression, and I am tremendously grateful for their presence on this planet and in my life.  So here ya go, a little trip backwards in time to 5 years ago today.
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OCTOBER 9th, 2006


The definition of "Depress," as it reads in the American Heritage Dictionary:

de·press (d-prs) tr.v. de·pressed, de·press·ing, de·press·es
1. To lower in spirits; deject.
2. i. To cause to drop or sink; lower: The drought depressed the water level in the reservoirs. ii. To press down: Depress the space bar on a typewriter.
3. To lessen the activity or force of; weaken: feared that rising inflation would further depress the economy. 
4. To lower prices in (a financial market).
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When I am depressed, it feels like I am being "pressed down," like an unseen force is pressing down upon me, sapping me of strength and causing me to be unable to rise up--to not be "pressed down." I am far more antisocial and much less talkative and more irritable during these times, because I can only ultimately name the source of the depression as being within, and then I feel MORE helpless because I do not know how to fight myself.

Thankfully, Andrew and I had a nice long talk about this on Sunday---which began as me thinking I might break up with him and ended with us still being together---that helped me snap some things into perspective. A little tough love does me good. Not to mention (and this isn't inspired by any suggestions of Andrew's, this is actually something I worked out on my own) that maybe it's time to get a little psychotherapy and perhaps look into a mild anti-depressant/anxiety reliever.

Welcome to New York?

To Mike and Kevin

To my own MK (47).

I miss you guys.

TONS.

I miss you guys tons.

I miss the work and the rehearsals and the performances, sure—sure I miss those parts of our friendship.  But what I really miss is just being around you guys.

Fucking Facebook.  Today it linked me to one of the pictures from that awesome Labor Day in Jersey (I think it was Labor Day?  The day with the volleyball tournament.)

Well, that day was honestly one of my favorite days out of any friendship I’ve ever had—it is equal to the day after Mona’s wedding (that Haas and I went to) where I tagged along with you two to Jersey to watch you play tennis and then to get food-coma-ed on China Buffett.

I want you guys to come out here to Cali so badly.  I want to show you my cool house that I rent, and my high school, and my college, and I want you guys to see me in a play.  And I really, really, really want to do a play with you guys.  I think about that a lot.  I just think that we play off of each other's strengths so well, and there’s lots of scripts that would suit our dynamic.  That’s something on my personal “bucket list.”  DO A PLAY WITH MIKE AND KEVIN.

I can’t believe you and Marianne already have two gorgeous little girls, Mike.  Even more so, I can’t believe I haven’t met Gianna.  I feel like I know her, from Facebook and Mary’s blog and from pictures, but I’ve never even heard her laugh or cry.  And Lina is getting so big.  She’s a whole person now and it makes me sad that I wasn’t in NYC to be around to watch her grow up.  (And Kevin and Meaghan have that awesome lil’ dog, whom I’m also excited to meet.)

Yep.  I miss you guys.  I’ll be out there again, briefly, from Jan 28 – Feb 2.  I’m going to be auditioning for graduate programs in Acting.  Honestly, I hope I get into an East Coast school.  I miss that side of the world, the people in it, and the culture surrounding it.

Love you guys – love you guys so so so so much!

Pass the love on to your little families and the like.

Thanksgiving, For Dave.

Waking up every morning.
Being excited to hear your voice.
Looking forward to seeing your face.

The food I eat is more enjoyable.
Working out is more fun, more productive.

I dance spontaneously more often.
I smile all the time, bigger than ever before.

Even missing you is enjoyable.  It makes the time so deliciously precious.
Then, when I see you, it's a brand new experience.  Your face newly captivates me each time.
Your warmth and presence ever-enticing.
Your wonderful physicality, the skin on your neck, the curve of your arm, the way our limbs fit so nicely together.
All of this gets to be brand-new for the wanting of it.
And the having of it.

My world, already amazing and full of wonderment, expanded tenfold when you and I intersected.

I am ever grateful for this love.