I used to blog a lot more.
I used to write down a lot more of my thoughts and feelings, turning the words over in my head like one turns a cherry stone over on one's tongue: finding the hard ridge in a moment of clarity, then returning to the smooth, round seed of it all.
I am going to take the step to delete my MySpace (long defunct) soon, but there is a blog up there that dates back . . . oh, to about 2004. Three jobs, four serious boyfriends, five apartments and hundreds of lifetimes ago. There was a lot of angst and questioning and probing and searching and luminous realization in those words, those words from 2004 until the last entry, which was made at the beginning of my relationship with Jack.
Now it's two years since that entry, and I am in yet another brave new world, in what is literally the best relationship of my life. I am stupefied at my constant state of happiness with Dave. And there's this constant gratefulness, which is truly grateful for the path that brought Dave and I together. Because if I had not met Jack when I did, at that intersection of our lives, when both he and I needed to have the comfort and security of one another -- if I had not met him then, then I would not have moved back to California. If I had not moved back to California, I would not have gone to Summer Arts. If I had not gone to Summer Arts, I wouldn't have learned that one can live every day in a state of emotional openness and self-awareness. And I wouldn't have met Dave.
Although
I think
We still would have met.
Somehow.
The synergy is just that strong.
The universe has been working towards our favor for so long that I cannot believe it was a random occurrence which brought our existences together.
And I think it was no coincidence that before leaving for Summer Arts, my relationship with Jack had found itself in a place of transition -- where drastic change would have had to have been made for that romantic relationship to begin to thrive again and once more be beneficial to both people. It hadn't been in that place, and we weren't actively working towards that place. We weren't being emotionally open or self-aware, we weren't really sharing life the way partners should. We were just sort of ambling along in the vicinity of one another. It was still comforting, but it had ceased to be nourishing. And each of us deserve more than that. He'll find that, I am sure, should he choose to remain open to that possibility -- that there is happiness and wholeness out there, just waiting for him to say yes to it.
So here it is, this place of "where are my words?" My words in the past, however eloquent, however inspiring/inspired - they have so often focused on or sprung from mine own seeds of distrust, discomfort, dis-ease, and doubt. My questioning one thing, defending another. Suddenly, I have less urge to find conflict. I love bliss so much that I find no need to give it up, even if it would mean a couple deeply articulated thoughts.
