"Blogging."

I used to blog a lot more.

I used to write down a lot more of my thoughts and feelings, turning the words over in my head like one turns a cherry stone over on one's tongue: finding the hard ridge in a moment of clarity, then returning to the smooth, round seed of it all.

I am going to take the step to delete my MySpace (long defunct) soon, but there is a blog up there that dates back . . . oh, to about 2004.  Three jobs, four serious boyfriends, five apartments and hundreds of lifetimes ago.  There was a lot of angst and questioning and probing and searching and luminous realization in those words, those words from 2004 until the last entry, which was made at the beginning of my relationship with Jack.

Now it's two years since that entry, and I am in yet another brave new world, in what is literally the best relationship of my life.  I am stupefied at my constant state of happiness with Dave.  And there's this constant gratefulness, which is truly grateful for the path that brought Dave and I together.  Because if I had not met Jack when I did, at that intersection of our lives, when both he and I needed to have the comfort and security of one another -- if I had not met him then, then I would not have moved back to California.  If I had not moved back to California, I would not have gone to Summer Arts.  If I had not gone to Summer Arts, I wouldn't have learned that one can live every day in a state of emotional openness and self-awareness.  And I wouldn't have met Dave.

Although

I think

We still would have met.

Somehow.

The synergy is just that strong.

The universe has been working towards our favor for so long that I cannot believe it was a random occurrence which brought our existences together.

And I think it was no coincidence that before leaving for Summer Arts, my relationship with Jack had found itself in a place of transition -- where drastic change would have had to have been made for that romantic relationship to begin to thrive again and once more be beneficial to both people.  It hadn't been in that place, and we weren't actively working towards that place.  We weren't being emotionally open or self-aware, we weren't really sharing life the way partners should.  We were just sort of ambling along in the vicinity of one another.  It was still comforting, but it had ceased to be nourishing.  And each of us deserve more than that.  He'll find that, I am sure, should he choose to remain open to that possibility -- that there is happiness and wholeness out there, just waiting for him to say yes to it.

So here it is, this place of "where are my words?"  My words in the past, however eloquent, however inspiring/inspired - they have so often focused on or sprung from mine own seeds of distrust, discomfort, dis-ease, and doubt.  My questioning one thing, defending another.  Suddenly, I have less urge to find conflict.  I love bliss so much that I find no need to give it up, even if it would mean a couple deeply articulated thoughts.

Thanksgiving, For Dave.

Waking up every morning.
Being excited to hear your voice.
Looking forward to seeing your face.

The food I eat is more enjoyable.
Working out is more fun, more productive.

I dance spontaneously more often.
I smile all the time, bigger than ever before.

Even missing you is enjoyable.  It makes the time so deliciously precious.
Then, when I see you, it's a brand new experience.  Your face newly captivates me each time.
Your warmth and presence ever-enticing.
Your wonderful physicality, the skin on your neck, the curve of your arm, the way our limbs fit so nicely together.
All of this gets to be brand-new for the wanting of it.
And the having of it.

My world, already amazing and full of wonderment, expanded tenfold when you and I intersected.

I am ever grateful for this love.

2 a.m.

The corner of West 4th and Perry.

It rained yesterday,

The sky tonight is clear.

If I were to turn off the lights of the city

I could look up and see

Another city mirrored in the sky.

Its flickering pinpoints of light

Dead now these millions of years.

The past in the present.

Did you know...

...that I have a Tumblr?

It is very fun.  It's a little over a year old, so there's lots to explore!

http://laurajdt.tumblr.com

Best Things in Life (as compiled by Dave...with minor assistance from me)

Being Alive

Orgasms

Coffee

Chocolate



.....more to come, I'm sure

Excitement.

Today I got my driver's license.  I will be 28 on November 15th, and I have never ever had a driver's license.  When I was a teenager, we were too poor to pay for behind-the-wheel training.  I was 17 when I moved to my college town and began college -- still a few months away from being of age and able to go in for the test without the behind-the-wheel class--and at that point, since I was walking distance from campus (and remained so for the next three years), it seemed silly to tax my already maxed out financial resources to pay for a car/insurance/gas...

And then I moved to NYC for four years...

And then I moved back to CA....

And I became increasingly depressed by my lack of mobility and independence.  And I resolved to get my license, so that I could at least drive whenever a car was available.

So this Spring, just before Summer Arts, I got my permit.   Then, about 7 weeks ago, I scheduled my test.  I took my test today and passed -- though I need to work on not crossing the limit line -- and then this afternoon, rented a 2010 Prius from Hertz!

Tomorrow at this time, I will be securely in the arms of my sweet and delectable man, Dave, in his bed in Los Angeles.  I plan to take my first ever solo road trip right after work tomorrow.

I.  CANNOT.  WAIT.

I'm downloading Beirut's "Gulag Orkestar" album (introduced to me by Dave) for the drive, as well as a couple other awesome road jams....(Aaron Copeland's "Rodeo," anyone?)

See you on the road!!!

Moving Forward!

Yesterday:  ROOT CANAL.

Today:  DRIVER'S TEST--PASSED!!

Tomorrow: LA TRIP TO VISIT DAVE!

Love In The Time of Laura

This is what happened.

The space between became heavy and dense with loneliness.  Waking up next to someone and feeling miles away.  Loving my friend and losing my sense of being a lover.

This is what happened for nearly seven months.

Then, I left.  I left for Summer Arts.  A month long intensive with 52 students, 7 teachers -- 60 of the most emotionally open, genuine, honest, and generous spirits I have ever had the privilege to work with.  What a freeing and releasing month.

And on day two, I knew I wasn't going to be able to live with Jack anymore.

And on day five, Dave and I discovered each other's hearts.

And now, here I am, having broken up from Jack, and exploring this life-altering love that Dave and I have been blessed to have.

My quote from The Universe this Wednesday night:

          "Sure, there have been surprises. Some, not so fun.

           But you have to admit, Laura, with hindsight,

           moving forward was actually easy.

           Something worth remembering,

           The Universe"

Grilled Shrimp with Citrusy Pesto Pasta over Spinach

1 lb of pre-cooked, deveined, shelled shrimp

Skewers

1 lb rotini (I used rainbow rotini)

Pre-bagged Baby Spinach

3 medium zucchinis

1-2 ears cooked, cut-off-the-cob corn

Tony Chachere's Creole Seasoning

1 packet Knorr's Pesto Sauce

Juice of two ripe limes

Olive Oil

Parmesan to taste

Preparation:  Fire up yer coals so they're hot and ready!  The best way to cook during the summer is on the grill, so put the shrimp on the BarBe!  You could also pan-sear them, but then they wouldn't have that delectable smoky flavor.

1) Take the tails off the ends of your shrimp, if they're still on.  Coat the shrimp in approx. 2 Tbsp. of Tony Chachere's Creole Seasoning.  Toss the shrimp with the seasoning so that they are as evenly covered as possible.  Skewer the shrimp (about 5 to a skewer seems to be best) so they are ready for grilling.

2)  Begin boiling water for the pasta (cook to directions on the package).

3)  Grill the shrimp while pasta is boiling away -- about 5-7 minutes per side, depending on the heat from the coals and your preference of charred-ness.

4)  Quarter the zucchinis lengthwise and then cut them into slices.

5)  When the pasta is done, drain it while running cool water over it...cooling the pasta down helps add to the summery fresh flavor of the dish.

6)  Toss the drained pasta with the pesto mix, the lime juice, the cut corn, chopped zucchini and Parmesan.  You may add salt/pepper to taste -- and more lime juice, if you want -- I found that as I ate, I was wanting more lime kick!

7)  Once the shrimps are off the BarBe, the meal is ready to be assembled:

          a)  First, place a layer of spinach leaves on the plate.

          b)  Then spread a layer of the pasta/vegetable pesto over the fresh spinach.

          c)  Finally, take shrimp off skewers and add on top.  Liberally!

          d)  If you want to dress this with something more, I recommend a vinaigrette -- I dashed a few drops of Balsamic on and I nommed the dish right up.

Saturday, May 22nd

This morning I have:
*eaten 1/3 pound of cherries
*cleaned the kitchen floor
*mopped the hardwood surfaces ('cept for Moll's room)
*done the dishes
*cleaned the kitchen counters

I feel like I can deservedly shower & head downtown to the movie theatre to take myself out to see "Babies."  Which I will unabashedly cry at.  Often, and with much eye-dabbing.  I can hardly wait!

FACT SHEET -- Harvey Milk Day

This Saturday is the first officially recognized Harvey Milk Day in the state of California.  Last year, Governor Schwarzenegger passed the bill annually proclaiming the day -- after having just vetoed the same bill the year before.  Baby steps in the fight for LGBT equality, but any steps forward are steps well-taken.  Here's the "Fact Sheet" for the bill, if anyone was wanting to know more about it.

_______________________________________________________________________

FACT SHEET


Harvey Milk Day (SB 572)

Questions: email@eqca.org


This bill would require the Governor to annually proclaim May 22 as Harvey Milk Day, and would encourage public schools and educational institutions to conduct suitable commemorative exercises on that date.


Status: To be heard in Senate Education Committee May 6, 2009


Author: Senator Mark Leno


Co-Authors: Senators Alquist, Florez, Kehoe, Oropeza, Padilla, Romero, Wiggins, and Yee; Assemblymembers Ammiano, Block, De León, Hayashi, Huffman, Monning, John A. Pérez, Portantino, Price, Skinner, and Torlakson.


Sponsor: Equality California


BACKGROUND: WHO WAS HARVEY MILK?

Perhaps more than any other modern figure, Harvey Milk's life and political career embody the rise of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) civil rights movement. Milk was born on May 22, 1930. He was the first openly gay person to be elected to public office in a major city, serving on the San Francisco Board of Supervisors from 1977-1978.

While in office, Milk worked to pass a gay rights ordinance and defeat Proposition 6, commonly known as the Briggs Initiative, which would have banned gays and lesbians from teaching in public schools. Milk encouraged LGBT people to be visible in society and believed coming out was the only way they could achieve true social equality.

Milk was tragically assassinated in 1978 by Dan White, a former colleague on the Board of Supervisors whose politics often clashed with Milk’s. After resigning from the Board and being denied reappointment by then Mayor George Moscone, White entered San Francisco City Hall through a window armed with a gun and shot and killed both Moscone and Milk.

During White’s criminal trial, the defense argued that White was a victim of pressure and had been depressed, a state exacerbated by his consuming a large quantity of junk food before the murders. This later became known as the "Twinkie Defense." When this tactic proved successful and White was convicted of voluntary manslaughter and a mere seven years and eight months in prison, San Francisco's gay community erupted into protest in what came to be known as the "White Night Riots."

Harvey Milk's legacy as a civil rights leader is still felt today. He was named one of TIME Magazine's most influential people of the 20th century. Many institutions and organizations are named for Harvey Milk to commemorate his life and social contributions. Most recently, the major motion picture MILK, chronicling the rise and fall of Harvey Milk, has captivated audiences worldwide to much critical acclaim.


EXISTING LAW

Existing law requires the Governor to proclaim certain days each year, often in remembrance of important figures in the civil rights movement. These days include Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, Cesar Chavez Day, Native American Day, and Juneteenth National Freedom Day, among others. Some of these days, such as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and Cesar Chavez Day, are also state holidays during which public functions are suspended and state employees receive a day off.

Existing law also prescribes public school holidays and commemorative activities on such days. For example, students receive a day off for Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and education about the role of Dr. King in the United States civil rights movement. March 31, Cesar Chavez Day, and the fourth Friday in September, Native American Day, are optional holidays for schools and may include commemorative exercises and lessons related to these holidays.

Other days simply act as days of “special significance,” which schools are encouraged to observe with suitable commemorative exercises.


WHAT THIS BILL WOULD DO

SB 572 would require the Governor to proclaim May 22 of each year as Harvey Milk Day. It would also designate Harvey Milk Day as a day of special significance in public schools and educational institutions, and encourage those entities to conduct suitable commemorative exercises.

This bill would put California on record as recognizing the social contributions that Harvey Milk made to our nation as a civil rights leader. It would also allow schools to conduct activities that would foster respect for all, and educate students about an important figure who is often omitted from history lessons.


FISCAL IMPACT

This legislation would not require that state workers or school employees get the day off from work. Therefore, SB 572 would have no fiscal impact to the state.


FOR MORE IFORMATION

Alice Kessler, Equality California – (916) 554-7681 or Alice@eqca.org

Barry Steinhart, Office of Senator Mark Leno – (916) 651-4003 or Barry.Steinhart@sen.ca.gov

The Passing Show.

Today I opened the Theatre Department's mailbox.  In the rubber-banded bundle were the usual assortment of catalogs to get tossed into recycling, a couple of notices about summer programs to post on the call board, and a strange little publication.  It wasn't a monthly or an annual, at least, not one I had seen before.

It was the newsletter of the Shubert Archive, chronicling Jerry Schoenfeld's passing.

For those of you who may not know, Gerald Schoenfeld was the chairman of The Shubert Organization from 1972 until his death in 2008.  The Shubert Organization currently owns or operates 17 theatres in New York City, as well as the Shubert Theatre in Boston, the Forrest Theatre in Philadelphia, and the National Theatre in Boston.  It is not a trifling matter, this organization.

Jerry Schoenfeld is credited with saving Broadway: catching American Theatre by the bootheels as it entered a downward spiral.  When historic theatres on Broadway were being turned into porno clubs, and theatre attendance was so low that the Shubert Organization was on the verge of bankrupting, Jerry Schoenfeld mounted huge advertising campaigns, battled to clean up the theatre district, and fought to remind the American public that theatre was an expansive, rewarding, enriching part of human experience.

So here is this beautiful publication, littered with anecdotes from family members, co-workers, actors, theatrical lawyers -- at least 40 responses, and only a fraction of the immense spectrum of lives and careers that Jerry touched.  It is sitting here and I am leafing through it, recognizing names from my time working at 101 Productions in NYC, gladdened to think that anyone could have such a lasting impact.

Then I flip to the back page.  The publication was addressed to Douglas McDermott.

Doug McDermott taught theatre here at CSU Stanislaus for decades, touching the lives of dozens of students, both the theatre majors/minors and the general education students.  Jack has very fond and loving memories of all the classes he had with Doug and Doug's profound impact on Jack's furthering his theatrical career.  Doug was a genuine scholar with a hunger for knowledge and a powerful analytical mind.

Doug McDermott passed away about three months ago.

Seeing this loving tribute publication addressed to a man who was just as loved, just as influential, and who has also passed on...well.  It makes my heart wrench just a bit.

School

I need to start reading again, really reading.

Scott Davis is helping me on this quest -- my goal is to raid his bookshelf bi-monthly, come away with at least 3-4 books, and return them within two weeks.   And since they are on his bookshelf, and his great big brain has processed them all before, then I'll have a buddy to talk literature with.

I miss school a lot.  And sitting in one every day and watching the students go by -- and watching the GE students leave their classes complaining about having to learn, which just breaks my heart -- makes me want to go back to school even more.

I'll start by reading.

A Smile for Tae Hoon.

A smile of joy for my dear artist friend Tae Hoon.

Tae Hoon, Tae Hoon, Tae Hoon, Tae Hoon!!

Big Fire.

Whoa there Buddy!

Gotta go to bed now.  Been decompressing from today and from tonight's performance, in which I successfully broke a wine bottle, whilst it was in my purse, during my quick change, after which I could no longer use my purse in the remaining 4 scenes (including the entire 2nd act) of the play.  Said wine bottle then seeped throughout the entire purse, which contained my book of Elizabeth Bishop poetry and Toni Morrison's "The Bluest Eye," neither of which I am happy to have disfigured with a 2006 Beaujolais.

I am officially a part-time temporary employee at CSU Stanislaus (my alma mater), filling in for the now-retired Department Secretary for the Theatre Department.  Pray for me for the next two months, as I (and the faculty) are hoping this will segue into me securing the full-time position in the 2010/2011 school year -- which would mean "hello savings account, it's time to start using you to budget for my Master's Degree."

New York, New York!

Just filed my federal taxes, and barring a calamity, I'll be getting a healthy refund -- which will allow me to finally return to the city for a much-needed visit!!  The dates I'm looking at are spring break -- the week of April 5-9 -- and I am ridiculously excited!!!!!!!

I have been loving being back here, being with Jack, being able to be a support for my mom, returning to theatre with full force, enjoying a slower pace of life -- but I MISS NEW YORK AND ALL MY FRIENDS.  I can't believe I have yet to hold Mike & Marianne's baby girl, I miss Office/Guitar Hero dates with Courtney, I miss grabbing a beer with Kevin at 1849, I miss that precious little Emelia and her awesome parents, I miss the subway, I miss the Museum of Natural History, I miss things being open until 2am and sometimes 24 hours...  so the city girl in me has been itching and raring for a trip back for some time, but schedules and finances (mostly finances) have prevented it.  But now both of those things are going to line up and I am going to head east!  Pray for good weather.

"Beyond Therapy" 3.5 out of 4 stars!

The Modesto Bee (the central valley's equivalent of the LA Times...our equivalent of the NYT is the San Francisco Chronicle) reviewed last weekend's opening night show and we received 3.5 out of 4 stars -- which is fantastic!  Performances for this weekend are completely sold out and we are filling up seats quickly for next weekend -- this is such a great and awesome ride and I'm just so damn proud to be a part of it and I am already itching to do more onstage work!

You can read the review here.

All I Want For Christmas is A Root Canal...

I really wish I could afford a root canal, or, alternatively, that I had comprehensive dental insurance that would cover the costs of a root canal.  My top right first premolar (next to canine) is incredibly compromised and needs not only to be filled, but needs to have a root canal.  The pain is usually bearable or not-noticeable, but at times I will get headaches stemming from the nerve pain in my tooth.  It's really uncomfortable and makes my right sinus cavity feel like it's being squeezed.  That's what's happening this morning.  That, on top of rehearsals till 10:45pm and getting up at 6:30 every day this week, and the stress of impending opening night...well...it's making this headache even worse and making me feel like a little ball of emotional implosion.  I just might cry.  I mean, not because I'm especially sad, or because I'm really stressed (I mean, the stress is not overwhelming.  It's show stress, after all.) but just because the release would be welcome.

Someone find me a pro bono dentist - STAT!

Heddoh, inderwebbs. (Hello, interwebs.)

I've had a nasty sinus thing for three days now -- to the point that I took off work yesterday (all 5 hours of it) so that I could continue to just sleep all the damn day in order to have enough energy for rehearsal last night.  Because, seriously?  Thursday night (Day 1 of sinus thing)?  TERRIBLE REHEARSAL.  My energy was about negative 35 when we started, so the first two scenes felt crappy/draggy, even with the excellent efforts of my leading/supporting men, and then when I finally did have some energy by Act 1.Scene 4, I couldn't remember my damn lines, because my entire brain felt as if it were wrapped in cotton gauze.  So I had to call for line twice, and feel like an idiot.  And have I mentioned I get water thrown on me FOUR TIMES DURING THIS SHOW??  So I was wet, on top of it all.....

Hence the ghetto sangria this evening.  I had a pretty easy day of it -- slept in late, have taken at least 2,000mg of Vitamin C today, plenty of fluids...lots of down time...went to the gym and did light cardio (only 300 calories) to get the blood pumping and hopefully helping things along...but now it's late and I can't really just go to bed -- the lovely Ms. Molly is here for her week with us, and Jack's at work, so I feel the need to at least be conscious--so I am trying to keep myself present...so obviously, Ghetto Sangria is the answer.  About equal parts orange juice and red wine...so you get double anti-oxidants and vitamin C!

"Beyond Therapy"

What an awesomely busy and tiring New Year!

We started rehearsals for Christopher Durang's Beyond Therapy as soon as the holidays were over.  It's been raining steadily for the past two weeks, but that first week of rehearsal, I was going to the gym in the mornings, racing home to shower, biking to work, racing back to the house & getting picked up for rehearsal, then rehearsing til 10pm.  With the rain, I haven't been doing the biking to/from work, but the days are still just as busy.  I haven't been in a full-length play since the spring of 2004, which is leading to a certain amount of self-consciousness and doubt, but I've been really invested in getting off book as quickly as possible and committing fully to all choices made onstage.  It's been an exhausting and wonderful process so far.

The show opens on Feb. 5th, plays three shows each weekend, and closes Feb. 28th.  The 6-person cast includes the lovely & talented Kathleen Ennis (who also happens to be Jack's ex-wife & Molly's mom), 2 young actors from the junior college who are really talented (Sean Trew & Tim Glidewell), a professor from the JC who I actually worked with in a Christmas revue years ago (Charles Mullins), and a Modesto actor who's done some work with Prospect Theater in the past (Josh Bower).  We all work really well together and it's a very supportive atmosphere.  The director, Ron Lane, is a friend of Jack and I, and he is just a doll to work with.  He had me cast in his head months before auditions and has given me incredible support and freedom.  It also helps that the character, Prudence, is a character I find myself identifying with.  It's really just such a wonderful play and I couldn't be more thrilled to be working on it.

I'm totally stressed about making sure I retain all the lines -- although I have been off-book for a week, this week's rehearsals found me getting stuck in places where Durang's lines for Prudence in one scene are similar (or in some cases, have the same exact lead-in phrasing) to other lines either in that same scene or in a different scene.  It's forced to me call for line more times than I'd like.  I shouldn't worry as I am, because making the mistake in rehearsal (for me, at least) is often a good indicator that I won't make the mistake in performance.  But because I haven't been onstage (MyMK47 shows notwithstanding) in years, I feel rusty and nervous.

...how do you get to Carnegie Hall?   Practice, practice, practice...

Menfolk.

Jack is terribly congested and miserable with a nasty sinus cold.  I have tried very hard not to take care of him, because I just end up getting frustrated, since his version of taking care of himself does not include: drinking copious amounts of liquids, eating low-sodium broth, vitamin C, vitamins of any kind, orange juice, zinc, or anything else proven to help the body's natural defenses.

Instead, when he wanted a "brothy soup" today, he ended up getting 5 packages of Top Ramen (after I had just pointed out that Progresso was all on sale, though not picking any particular kind) and has eaten three of them today.  Which, according to the nutrition information, means that he has ingested approximately 240% of the DRV of sodium, or about 2700mg.  And not drank very much water to counteract this intake.  He has taken some Nyquil and quietly gone to lay down, the poor miserable man.

This morning, he told me I should take mega-doses of Vitamin C so as not to get sick myself.  I gave him the longest look, and he asked "What?  Am I telling you something you've already done?"  And I refrained from saying "Hey, goober!  Just because you're already sick doesn't mean that Vitamin C is going to be of no use to you!  ...telling me to take Vitamin C..."

But you know, we all have our different ways of being sick and miserable.  Mine is inherited from my mother, and I have an inborn nurturing sense, to boot, so it makes sense that my methods of recovery involve copious amounts of all the things listed in the first paragraph.  And I know that I tend to be grumpy when sick, and very stubborn, so I'm not about to force remedies upon a patient who shows no sign of wishing to be treated.

But I really wish he had drank more water today!!