On This Day In 2006

Here is my blog entry of October 9th, 2006.  It is always so awesome to look back at particular moments in my struggle with depression, which began in about 1993 and peaked in the years 2000-2003, after which I entered the gradual process of shedding/overcoming/releasing my depression.  This process gained momentum when I moved to NYC.  That move and my time in that wonderful city was a four-year chrysalis from which I emerged, strong and certain of my forward momentum.  I no longer identify with depression.  Sure, I have the occasional grey day, or pockets of mood, but those are just individual moments.  Now I identify with "yes" and positive expression.  It's pretty fucking awesome.  There have been loads of wonderful people who impacted my journey out of depression, and I am tremendously grateful for their presence on this planet and in my life.  So here ya go, a little trip backwards in time to 5 years ago today.
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OCTOBER 9th, 2006


The definition of "Depress," as it reads in the American Heritage Dictionary:

de·press (d-prs) tr.v. de·pressed, de·press·ing, de·press·es
1. To lower in spirits; deject.
2. i. To cause to drop or sink; lower: The drought depressed the water level in the reservoirs. ii. To press down: Depress the space bar on a typewriter.
3. To lessen the activity or force of; weaken: feared that rising inflation would further depress the economy. 
4. To lower prices in (a financial market).
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When I am depressed, it feels like I am being "pressed down," like an unseen force is pressing down upon me, sapping me of strength and causing me to be unable to rise up--to not be "pressed down." I am far more antisocial and much less talkative and more irritable during these times, because I can only ultimately name the source of the depression as being within, and then I feel MORE helpless because I do not know how to fight myself.

Thankfully, Andrew and I had a nice long talk about this on Sunday---which began as me thinking I might break up with him and ended with us still being together---that helped me snap some things into perspective. A little tough love does me good. Not to mention (and this isn't inspired by any suggestions of Andrew's, this is actually something I worked out on my own) that maybe it's time to get a little psychotherapy and perhaps look into a mild anti-depressant/anxiety reliever.

Welcome to New York?

All I Want For Christmas is A Root Canal...

I really wish I could afford a root canal, or, alternatively, that I had comprehensive dental insurance that would cover the costs of a root canal.  My top right first premolar (next to canine) is incredibly compromised and needs not only to be filled, but needs to have a root canal.  The pain is usually bearable or not-noticeable, but at times I will get headaches stemming from the nerve pain in my tooth.  It's really uncomfortable and makes my right sinus cavity feel like it's being squeezed.  That's what's happening this morning.  That, on top of rehearsals till 10:45pm and getting up at 6:30 every day this week, and the stress of impending opening night...well...it's making this headache even worse and making me feel like a little ball of emotional implosion.  I just might cry.  I mean, not because I'm especially sad, or because I'm really stressed (I mean, the stress is not overwhelming.  It's show stress, after all.) but just because the release would be welcome.

Someone find me a pro bono dentist - STAT!