Dun Dun!

Two weeks off from work is too much.  I never know what to do with myself, not even with a short list of necessary projects to complete and a play to memorize so that I don't feel like a fool when rehearsals start in six days.  (Please note:  I have not started any of said short list of projects or said memorizing.)  I have gone to the gym, and that's about the extent of my productivity, if you don't count doing the dishes.

However, Jack (who has a comparable amount of time off) has been watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent on Netflix like it's free heroin.  So far he has gotten through Seasons One & Two in their entirety, with yours truly joining in for most of the 2nd season.  Since all of this Vincent D'Onofrio-being-brilliant watching has happened in such a compressed period of time, I am now losing my mind...

...I have begun to think that everyone is a criminal in a case I know about (but don't know that I know about, natch), and that they are subsequently planning my murder -- in order to erase all of my knowledge & their connection to the case.  Every time I walk to the gym, I fear my fellow pedestrians: Modesto's not a walking town like New York, the amount of pedestrians are few and far between -- and those who are walking are as likely to be a delinquent or derelict of society as they are to be a good, kind upright member of the community.  I swear of the eight people I've passed on the sidewalk in the past two days (yes, only eight -- I told you no one walks!), only one of them was without suspicion...

...last night, I had woken up in the middle of the night & was calmly lying there, trying to fall back to sleep, when I heard the unmistakable sound of my phone receiving a text message.  I was tempted to get up to see who it was (who texts at 3 am?!), but immediately thought: "This is a plot!  They know that I know, even though I don't know that I know, and they've gotten my phone number somehow and they are hiding, waiting for me to go into the kitchen, where they've cut the smallest hole in the glass, just big enough for a bullet (silenced, of course) to pass through so they can take me out!  Little do they know, our front yard just begs to be walked upon, as the recent rains have turned the soil into something like wet cement.  Their prints will lead Agent Goren to my killer in no time, and my memory will be vindicated!"...

...ok, I didn't quite think all of that, just the possibility that it was a message whose only real purpose was to get me out of bed at 3 am to ambush me....I didn't think of the details of the ambush or how they'd get caught...I promptly started thinking of anything but L&O:CI and listening to the sounds of Jack's sinuses (they get all stuffed up when he sleeps, poor guy) and eventually fell asleep.

Obviously he and I need to do something other than watch Criminal Intent for the next few days.

iSpec.

GOT TO GET THE CRAFTS DONE!!

I have a baby blanket for Mike & Marianne's baby that is still in progress and a striped scarf for my momma, and I do NOT have much time, so the grandma reading glasses are on, the coffee is hot, and Nutcracker is queued up on Hulu.  Let the crocheting/knitting begin.

Tipping the scales (ish).

I definitely gained five pounds from Thanksgiving week.

No joke.  If you recall, I joined the gym shortly before Thanksgiving, and at the "fitness evaluation" they make you take, I weighed in at 136.  Not a number I like, but not in the dreaded 140's.  For me, I associate the 140's with my last year of college.  It was a number that I was proud of but not happy with, because I was still out-of-shape, with little muscle tone, and I did not feel healthy.  Healthier, yes, but not healthy.  When I moved to New York, the change in lifestyle and the countless miles logged walking around the city was enough to firmly push me into the 130's, but not to give me much tone, which is why I was determined to join a gym when I could one day afford it (which I did, and gained that desired tone, yadda-yadda-yadda...)

Well, I was a good girl & went to the gym 6 out of my first 10 days (starting Mon. Nov. 16th), but then lapsed on the Wed. before Thanksgiving.  And proceeded to have four non-stop days of eating -- which included two full Thanksgiving dinners and one amazing Basque meal (more on that at a later date).  And on that following Monday, I was at 142 lbs.

YIKES.

I haven't seen 142 in four years.  So I panicked.  And felt miserable for a couple of days.  But continued to go to the gym.  And since I know that as I'm gaining muscle, that number won't drop quickly (as muscle weighs more than fat) and since I am beginning to feel healthier, I'm keeping positive, because I know it isn't about the number, it's about how I feel.  How I feel overall is glad to have the gym membership, as it not only gives me a place to work on my physical health & well-being; the workout itself tends to have a calming influence and an "un-wrinkling" effect on my psyche, regardless if the wrinkles are large or small that day.

DAMN YOU SELF IMAGE.  Why must you be so....perpetual?

Get in mah belleh.

There are a lot of things in my belly.  A cookie, two pieces of bacon, some coffee, a bite of Rocky Road fudge, a bite of turkey...

Plus yesterday, although I showed more restraint than previous years, I certainly did my part in eating the entire world.  So now, whilst I wait for Molly to wake up & eventually get picked up by her momma (at which point I will dress & go to the gym), I am going to watch an old favorite on Netflix:  "Auntie Mame," starring Rosalind Russell.  ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES EVER!!!!

Go get it and see it right now...you will not be disappointed.  I am now going to pick up my crocheting and commence watching said amazing movie.

A poem, written today, Nov. 21, 2009

You were smaller then.
You did not know such things,
nor did you think to ask of them.
They simply were not.


But they crept in,
slowly, insinuating themselves
into the dark corners.


One day you turned too quickly,
and they stared you in the face.
You gasped, grasped for stability.
They would not leave.
Once seen, a thing cannot be unseen.
Once known, a thing cannot be unknown.


Now you knew where they were.
You tried to avoid the dark corners.
You took cautious steps.  You did not run.
Smiles became measured, laughter checked.
A too-loud sob could awaken them.


The colors on the trees never seemed as bright as they did that last autumn of childhood and you have wished every day since then that time would stop insisting its way forward so that you could reverse your step and unsee and in unseeing, un-know, but it cannot be done and so instead you walk through the streets with your head down and your eyes lowered for fear of what you may see.


All the while, they sit in the dark corners,
silently crying.
Were they so hideous, that you should fear them?

Joined a gym today.

Depression & addictive behavior run in my family. The Dickinson women, especially, have a tendency to low self-esteem & setting-the-bar-high-for-oneself standards. Which results in a lot of internalized conflict and self-doubt, which begins to develop into depression which is numbed with fillers — like alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, food, etc.

Food has always been a self-destruct tool for me. I have, since I was at least 12, struggled with my body image. I was much sturdier and stockier than kids my age growing up, and somewhere between 8-10, the baby fat started to just stay and as I grew up, I also grew around. I wasn’t obese, or terribly overweight, but I wasn’t willowy or lean like a good deal of the kids I knew — or like the models, actresses & public figures. I have no idea when I became a compulsive eater — hoarding food, sneaking candy, pouring 1/4 sugar onto dry Rice Krispies so I could let the sugar sink to the bottom & eat it at the end of the bowl — but somewhere along the line, I did. Food was an escape, it was an out — if I was left home alone, the only real “bad thing” I wanted to do was to eat up all the food in the house, especially fatty/sugary treats.

I still find myself doing this 18 years later, as an adult who is cognizant of nutrition & a healthy lifestyle. I go on uncontrollable food binges, and have more than once in the past three years been guilty of devouring an entire 1/2 gallon of ice cream in 45 minutes, or a cake (frosted) in one night, or a 6-piece fried chicken with french fries. I have to end up throwing things away or else there are times when I know it will be nearly impossible for me to stop myself.

My overall daily eating habits are not bad — much healthier than many, I would think. I try not to eat meats with too much fat content more than twice a week, I make a conscious effort to get vegetables in me, I stay away from sodas, processed foods, etc. But there are these moments of weakness.

And my metabolism is none too high.

So, when I belonged to NY Sports Clubs for nearly two years, I was ecstatic. It was so great to have long stretches of feeling healthy and truly comfortable in my own body. I know there will always be “jiggly bits” to me, but the leanness and tone I had gained was a first for me — literally the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE that I had been fit. It was such a blessing and gave me a new perspective on my own confidence.

When I moved back to CA, I couldn’t afford a gym membership & I wasn’t particularly strict with food intake (it’s hard to live in the beautiful CA summer and not feast on BBQ’s, hamburgers, steak dinners, grilled cheeses…). Although I am still a smaller version of myself — if you didn’t already know, I was 185lbs when graduating high school…and about 150 when I left college…after moving to NYC, I dropped another 10 just from all the walking around the city — I have lost a lot of tone and can definitely say I am out of shape. If it wasn’t for needing to bicycle places, I’d be even worse for the wear.

The “moment of truth” day was a couple of weeks ago when I noticed that my face was really starting to fill out. It sent little panic shivers through me and I had a mental flash of having an extra 15lbs on — and how uncomfortable in my own skin I had been when I was at that weight. My circulation was different when I was 150, my panic attacks were more frequent, and I felt a lot more tired a lot more often.

So, after depositing the check for services rendered for my directing work, I went to InShape City this morning to find out about their package. I signed up for a three year deal—and it was a special, no enrollment fee, month of Nov. free deal — I only paid $109 for the startup processing and key card, and starting Dec., I only pay $40 a month for an all-inclusive membership.

I can’t wait — and I’m excited that I got the chance to start this before rehearsals start for “Beyond Therapy.” My hope when I was cast in that play was that I would use that wonderful opportunity to force myself to get into better physical shape — because I know from my training that when the body is tuned/fit/ready, the mind can utilize it all the better for acting — the first read-through of the show isn’t until Dec. 16, so I’ll have a month headstart on it.

I could go on for paragraphs more about all my food issues and weight issues and body image issues. I won’t — I’ll just say again how glad I am to have a gym membership again. I know I’ll never be a bony runway model — but I also don’t want to be one. Working out gave me appreciation for the curves and the angles — my clavicles became my favorite thing, but I also loved how I had stopped seeing my child-bearing hips as a curse — instead they were incredibly womanly and the contrast of my curves to my angles was sexy to me…bring on the elliptical!!

Procrastination = Apple Cinnamon Muffin Recipe

Hi.  It's almost midnight.  Rehearsal today was productive, so this is a leftover smile from that.  Drinking some chardonnay, procrastinating on typing out the final version (with Downey High School references & blocking) of the script from the original.  Slow going, but mostly because of the procrastination.

Lower back hurts.

Been eating terribly the last few days.  Thought about having veggies tonight...for about 3.5 seconds.  Then ate about 3 of the apple-cinnamon muffins I had made this morning instead.  On Sunday, I was up in the little apple tree in our backyard, getting the fallen, beginning-to-rot (some were definitely rotten) apples off the ground and salvaging what apples were still good from the tree...as well as beginning some major pruning.  Well, two of those apples went into this morning's muffin recipe, which I got from Recipezaar & which I quite liked.  Here it is:
APPLE CINNAMON MUFFINS
Ingredients:
3 cups flour
3/4 cup sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
3 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 cup milk
2/3 cup butter, melted
2 eggs, slightly beaten
2 cups finely chopped tart apples
Directions

1) Preheat oven to 375.

2) In a large bowl, combine flour, sugar, brown sugar, baking powder and cinnamon. Mix together.

3) Add all remaining ingredients and stir until flour mixture is moistened.

4) Spoon batter into 2 greased or paper-lined 12-cup muffin pans.

5) Bake at 375 for 19-23 minutes or until lightly browned. Cool for about 5 minutes before removing from pan.

It filled the kitchen with a cinnamony autumn aroma and the muffins were deliciously (even now, 14 hours later) moist and the apples (Granny Smith) had baked down to a perfect texture.  Make 'em.  You'll love 'em.

A Wish List

It may sound odd, from a person who is attempting to keep a blog, to say that I do not like publicizing my birthday because I do not like the concentration of attention on a single day...but that's the truth.  It is bizarre and at times discomfiting to have that much attention and apparently undeserved well-wishing given to me in a single day.  Now, that's not to say that I don't love celebrating other people's birthdays...I just get a little squeamish about my own.  Gifts kind of freak me out...odd, but true.

However, were I to wake up on my encroaching birthday and have my most recent desires granted, they would come in these forms:

A round-trip ticket to NYC for at least a week in January.
A gym membership to In-Shape City.
Two new pairs of jeans, one in dark grey & one in dark blue.
A car.
A second job.
A set of three graduated mixing bowls, new measuring cups, a new Teflon skillet, a large soup pot & new dish towels.
New sheets & pillowcases.
Paint for each room in the house.
Shelves.
A workstation in the garage.
A Playstation and Guitar Hero.
A $1000 wardrobe from J. Crew.  (as in clothes, not the furniture piece called a wardrobe.)
Patti Smith concert tickets.
A road trip with Virginia.

Finishing Breakfast.

Breakfast this AM: Ode to an NY Egg Sandwich

Two slices Ororwheat Double Fiber bread, toasted

One egg, fried semi-hard.  (Pan greased w/ Country Crock Light)

Two slices smoked turkey, fried next to the egg.

An ounce of sharp cheddar, sliced thin.

Yummy.  But not nearly the same as from the deli on 45th & 2nd.

Remedy for Anxious Frustration: Bourbon & Pork Chops.

Currently have a pork chop cooking in the skillet on the stove top.  One side has been seasoned with black pepper & Tony Chachere's Seasoning, the other with black pepper and Chipotle "Salsa Shaker."

The latter is from a seasoning set my dear friend Kevin brought back for me when he was in Mexico with his family for spring break.  There's a Chipotle, a Habanero, and a Jalapeno -- which is more than just an appropriate gift for someone who enjoys cooking.  Kevin is one half of MyMK47 -- he and his best friend Mike Soviero (also my dear friend) have been writing and creating together for about two years now, and I was honored to be able to perform with them for a combined 11 months in New York City -- first a hilarious sketch show which played at the Under St. Marks Theatre -- then a 9-month run at The Broadway Comedy Club, with new sketches every other week, all written by Mike & Kevin.

One of the sketches was called "Are You Hot?" in which I played a uptight woman, sunning herself in the backyard, when suddenly she hears a voice from beyond the fence call out...."Hey lady...Are You Hot??"  Part of the sketch was Kevin, Mike & our friend Eric asking me, if I were a pepper -- what kind would I be?  Was I "jalapeno hot?  Habanero hot?"

And so, the spices are a reference to a sketch that was a constant crowd-pleaser, and also to my love for cooking (and for Mexican food, which, being from CA, I of course love).

At any rate.


Today got really frustrating near the end.  I had called rehearsal from 5:30-7:30 -- a full cast run-through of Act One.  At 5:45, the main character and two of the larger supporting roles weren't there.  I couldn't work.  I looked through the script, trying to find a scene that didn't have one of those three characters...nothing.  So we waited.  And at 6:35 we finally started the run-through.

Yes.  A FULL HOUR after the run-through had been scheduled, we finally started.

Needless to say, we did not get through the first act.

HOWEVER.

I feel responsible for this in some ways, and let me tell you why:
1)  I am too lenient.  I don't show my nearly-non-existent iron fist enough.  These kids should know by now (three weeks into it) that when I mean business, my attitude and actions should tell them they too better mean business, or ELSE.
2)  All this week, we've been working only Act One...we probably should have tried to work the whole show.  That way we could have a few stop/start run-throughs of each act next week, before full-show run-throughs start.
3)  I told them they didn't have to be off-book for Act One til Oct. 19th (Mon.) and for Act Two til Oct. 23 (Fri.)  That leaves them only TWO WEEKS working off-book...which is really not enough.  Here, again, I was being too lenient.  See--these are all really good kids at heart, who, for the most part, have A LOT on their plates (quite a few seniors, four water polo kids, two mock-trial kids, multiple people in choir, a girl in marching band, etc...they have a LOT of plates spinning.  Some of them leave their house at 6:45am and don't get back until 9:30pm) -- and I didn't want to push too terribly hard, and I know that--for me, at least--rehearsal is what helps one learn lines.  It's the muscle memory tied into the cues -- you can sit and read lines at home, or with a friend, but once you get on your feet & are worrying about others, it changes.  So the repetition of rehearsal really helps to cement it.......anyways...

So, we only got through half of Act One.  And I was pissed off.  But I was also aware that these are teenagers, who are doing this as much to have fun and experience it as they are anything else.  And the lessons I've learned in the past 10 years---well, they haven't learned them yet.  Being professional is more of a concept and less of a tenet for them -- not because they don't care, but because they are still far away, in some aspects, from "the big picture."

I don't know.

All I know is, it frustrated me and made me ask "what was in MY power to prevent this from happening, and what do I learn from this?" and it also made my not-having-eaten-since-12:45 hunger more intense.  So I came home and began cooking the pork chop, and mixed some bourbon in with sugar-free black cherry soda.  And now....now I feel better.

Bourbon & pork & blogging....cures all that ails ya'.