Inside My Skin

I have been feeling increasingly uncomfortable in my own skin these past few months.  This isn't a metaphor, not quite, because I quite literally feel uncomfortable in my own skin.  I've gained nearly 20 pounds, and while that may not seem like a lot, or even be immediately noticeable to others, I can feel it every morning when I'm trying to squeeze into pants, or wondering how to hide this "life-preserver" that's appeared around my midsection.

I know how to reverse this, I know how to take care of myself, I know what I need to be eating and how I need to be moving in order to see a positive change in my shape.  But I am having the hardest time being consistently kind to myself and being a cheerleader for my own team.  In some aspects of life, I am doing a great job at self-love and self-support.  In other aspects....I am letting myself down.

For me, this sort of behavior (whether it's overeating, or procrastinating, or letting my house get totally messy & sorta gross, etc) is self-destructive.  When I am not taking care of myself--my whole self (mind, body, work, art, spirit) it manifests itself in behavior that at first seems simply indulgent ("ok, I will have some ice cream"...."nah, the dishes can wait til tomorrow"....."I don't need to start that research right now") but then quickly snowballs into self-destructive repetition.  I make a good show of being a functioning adult when out "in the real world," but when in self-destruction mode, that good show really is just that: a show.  The Laura Is A Functioning Adult show is actually helpful, though, because it grounds me and reminds me that I will pull out of the self-destructive behavior, that I am capable of accomplishing things, and that not all is lost.

On This Day In 2006

Here is my blog entry of October 9th, 2006.  It is always so awesome to look back at particular moments in my struggle with depression, which began in about 1993 and peaked in the years 2000-2003, after which I entered the gradual process of shedding/overcoming/releasing my depression.  This process gained momentum when I moved to NYC.  That move and my time in that wonderful city was a four-year chrysalis from which I emerged, strong and certain of my forward momentum.  I no longer identify with depression.  Sure, I have the occasional grey day, or pockets of mood, but those are just individual moments.  Now I identify with "yes" and positive expression.  It's pretty fucking awesome.  There have been loads of wonderful people who impacted my journey out of depression, and I am tremendously grateful for their presence on this planet and in my life.  So here ya go, a little trip backwards in time to 5 years ago today.
________________________________________________________________
OCTOBER 9th, 2006


The definition of "Depress," as it reads in the American Heritage Dictionary:

de·press (d-prs) tr.v. de·pressed, de·press·ing, de·press·es
1. To lower in spirits; deject.
2. i. To cause to drop or sink; lower: The drought depressed the water level in the reservoirs. ii. To press down: Depress the space bar on a typewriter.
3. To lessen the activity or force of; weaken: feared that rising inflation would further depress the economy. 
4. To lower prices in (a financial market).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I am depressed, it feels like I am being "pressed down," like an unseen force is pressing down upon me, sapping me of strength and causing me to be unable to rise up--to not be "pressed down." I am far more antisocial and much less talkative and more irritable during these times, because I can only ultimately name the source of the depression as being within, and then I feel MORE helpless because I do not know how to fight myself.

Thankfully, Andrew and I had a nice long talk about this on Sunday---which began as me thinking I might break up with him and ended with us still being together---that helped me snap some things into perspective. A little tough love does me good. Not to mention (and this isn't inspired by any suggestions of Andrew's, this is actually something I worked out on my own) that maybe it's time to get a little psychotherapy and perhaps look into a mild anti-depressant/anxiety reliever.

Welcome to New York?

Ancient History.

If, for any reason, you want a glimpse into the inner-workings of my public psyche pre-2007, feel free to check out THIS OLD BLOG RIGHT HERE.  I think I'll occasionally revisit it myself and post some "on this day in 200X" posts.  Just for funsies.